Care and Feeding
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here .
Dear Care and Feeding,
My brother and his wife have “Alfonso” (15) and “Gabriel” (16), who really don’t get along. The boys are both autistic with different needs. Alfonso is easily overstimulated by bright lights or loud sounds, and Gabriel is loud and intense, a kid who gets very close and has big, physical stims. At nearly every family event, the boys get frustrated with each other, and it gets physical between them. Their parents gently ask them to stop, but nothing happens, and they eventually physically separate them. They’re getting too big for the adults to always intervene. My parents prefer my brother, so they ignore it, and the other family members either avoid it or pretend it’s not happening. Our 4 and 6 year old are scared when the boys fight. We remind our kids that the boys have trouble dealing with big feelings, and they should tell a grown-up. We supervise our kids closely and always pick up and leave if needed.
Last year, I told my brother and his wife that these fights scare my kids, and that it was a big problem for the time we spent together. The boys sent an apology. But nothing changed, and in 2025, we rearranged our holiday plans so we only spent a polite 30 minutes with that part of the family. It was peaceful, but we were on edge waiting for it to fall apart. I heard that things went poorly after we left. It solidified that this was the right approach for us. But now they’re moving to our area for work. They sent a lot of messages about how great it will be to spend more time together, and how much my sister-in-law is looking forward to having local support. I know they’re facing many challenges as parents, and my nephews aren’t bad kids. But nothing has changed with them, so stepping back in 2025 was our best option. How do I handle this up close in 2026? My husband wants to avoid them forever, but agrees that there probably is a kinder approach.
—Trying to Find a Balance
Dear Trying to Find a Balance,
You don’t want your brother and sister-in-law to feel unwelcome or worried about coming around you. That kind of damage to your relationship can be irreparable. Parents of kids with needs often worry about feeling out of place and being a burden to others in public. And if they feel that way with you, they may not feel comfortable coming around you with their kids again, not necessarily out of anger but because they don’t want to be a burden or a bother.
It’s understandable that your kids are nervous when Alfonso and Gabriel fight. I would spend more time explaining to them their differences and why those fights happen. It might not make sense to them now, but as your kids get a little older, they will likely be able to understand their cousins a bit better.
In the meantime, think about how you can support your brother and sister-in-law in other ways outside of gathering the entire family together. Since they’re moving to your area, offer to help them look into services such as respite care and other resources to give them a much-needed break from caregiving. Since you’re more familiar with the community, ask around and get suggestions of places, people, and activities to share.
You can also carve out time to spend time with your nephews without your kids. My son is 18 and has autism, and he responds to every adult-like figure in his life differently. While Alfonso and Gabriel might have trouble hearing stop from their parents, if they get closer to you, your stop could hold a different weight. It might be a slow process to get everyone in your family together again and comfortable, but it’s definitely possible. Don’t give up hope! Family support is so important.
Please keep questions short (150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister “Antonia” has a 3-year-old daughter, “Kira,” who is going through the typical threenager phase where she’s challenging limits. Instead of exercising patience and laying out expectations and clear consequences, my sister has instead opted for something that I think is completely inappropriate.
Antonia and her family live on a lake, and she has told Kira that a monster lives in it, and if a grown-up calls to it three times in a row, the monster will come and take her away forever. My sister’s threat has had the desired effect, and my niece’s behavior has improved. In the long term, I think this is going to be damaging to her daughter’s ability to trust her in the future once Kira realizes her mother lied to her. My brother-in-law couldn’t care less, and my mom says I need to butt out. Would it be OK for me to wise my niece up so she isn’t frightened anymore?
—Malicious Monster
Dear Malicious Monster,
I think you’re right that your sister’s method is a bit extreme. Depending on the kid, a scary fable like this one could absolutely be a lot to handle. But your worries are likely a little outsized. While it’s true that trust is important to build and keep with small kids, there’s no sure way to know whether or not your niece would be damaged by this story.
Many kids are scared by similar stories they might see on TV or in movies: Candyman, Freddy Krueger, Pennywise! Also, your sister wouldn’t be the first parent to lean on fiction to get their kid to behave: Ever heard of the Boogeyman, La Llorona, the Baba Yaga, or El Cuco? Yes, at 3 years old, it’s really hard to know the difference between what is real and what is fake in these kinds of urban legends. But it’s not your place to butt in by telling your niece the truth. You can, though, check in on her overall health. Ask her parents if she’s sleeping well or if she’s exhibiting any other signs that these tall tales are bothering her more than your sister realizes. If so, then I’d use that as a reason to ask your sister to set the record straight. Otherwise, listen to your mom and sit this one out.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m in the throes of wedding planning, and my mom and I are already bickering about every single decision. I love her, but I also know she has a problem with needing to be in control—and while I normally would cede some of my own control to cater to her, this is one of those times when I have strong opinions and am not willing to budge on the vision for the day.
She got married to my dad many decades ago, and the wedding industrial complex is a whole new world. She expects things to work like they once did, but everything is different now: Things can be a little more casual, I don’t have to play the “wedding song” when I walk down the aisle, and photographers opt for digital photos over albums. She can’t wrap her head around all these little changes, and then she fights me over them. It’s exhausting and, honestly, making this all the much harder than it needs to be. I want her to be involved, and I romanticized getting to plan this with her, but now I’m staring out at the long year ahead of me, and I’m already tired of fighting. It’s like she doesn’t trust me to plan a good event, which is wild because she knows I put my all into these kinds of things. How do I handle this? Help!
—Feels Like a Lifetime Until “I Do”
Dear Feels Like a Lifetime Until “I Do,”
I totally understand what you’re going through because there’s no way I could plan any large event with my mom if I have strong opinions on how it should unfold. It would cause us to butt heads, and our big personalities would come out in full effect.
But it might help you to think about why your mom is so excited to plan your wedding. She loves you, and she’s ecstatic that you’re getting married. She’s probably showing her love through doing and action. So, what part of your wedding are you least attached to planning? Give that to your mom and let her completely take over. Then keep the rest of the details on a need-to-know basis.
So, if all you care about when it comes to the cake is that it’s white, for example, let her go wild. Let her schedule the tastings, choose the flavors, and decide if it’s buttercream or whipped cream frosting. Let her figure out if the layers will alternate flavors and if there will be a filling. Flowers, bows, or both? She can decide. Then, let her share her excitement about her ideas and choices with you, even if you don’t really care either way. This will keep her busy—and it’ll be one less thing for you to worry about on your checklist. Maybe that energy will make that part of the planning more enjoyable for you, too!
—Arionne
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